I say something irrelevant about the Olsen twins. It’s pastoral, coquettish and untrue to the moment.īetween anorectal pulses from the electrical stimulation probe, the physiotherapist makes conversation by asking how I’d describe my personal style. Instead, I’m half-naked on a table at the Gastrointestinal Motility Disorder Center in a flimsy white blouse with a milkmaid neckline. Had I exercised forethought about spending an hour pants-less with a cord up my rectum, I would have worn an oversize top, maybe a dress. I wear the wrong outfit to pelvic floor biofeedback therapy. I wonder if the scallop risotto is made with white or brown rice, or if it even matters at this point. Think of when you see ‘sic.’” He goes on. “Round brackets are pockets of air, space to breathe away from the didacticism of the mainstream text,” he says. I wonder about the FODMAP ranking for beet carpaccio while he talks about the aesthetic disposition of brackets versus parentheses. I leave with instructions for an exercise called “anal winks.”īloated, I go out with a vegan writer who wants to share small plates. The results show a reversed rectal anal gradient - I squeeze when I should push. The woman appears wearing an Angry Birds face mask and takes me through the manometry test. I am going to love his nurse, he tells me. The colorectal specialist in Turtle Bay has a benignly perverted air. I want to - no, need to - hear about the chlorophyll lemonade by the board-certified dietitian, ayurvedic healer and mother-of-four who knew there had to be a better way. I stop skipping the ads for seven-day gut reboots and ketogenic intermittent fasting mints. There is a lot of clickbait about unwittingly harboring 20 pounds of so-called toxic poop. You never really know how constipated you are. The next step is an anorectal manometry to test muscular pressure in the sphincter. Basically, I have reduced motility of the large intestine and a too-tight anus. The words “peristalsis,” “lazy colon” and “dyssynergia” are used. Lenox Hill finds “considerable stool material in the descending colon as well as the rectosigmoid region.” My doctor diagnoses a combination of slow transit and outlet constipation. Monique holds up a piece of paper that says, “I allow life to flow freely through me.” Put one hand on your heart, she says, and ask yourself: “How true does this affirmation feel?”
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I watch a YouTube video by a masseuse named Monique about how to heal constipation with love.
I track bowel behavior obsessively with a diary beside my toilet. Marginal diarrhea, and then nothing at all. When Linzess fails, the gastroenterologist prescribes Amitiza - a bicyclic fatty acid and prostaglandin E1 derivative. I cancel plans to attend a trivia party in Ridgewood, Queens, so as not to risk excretion on the M train. I don’t experience diarrhea so much as a prolonged leak. The main side effect of constipation medication is diarrhea. He prescribes Linzess - an oligopeptide agonist of guanylate cyclase-C - and refers me to Lenox Hill Radiology for an X-ray of my intestinal tract.
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People on podcasts say things like “gut bacteria is responsible for 95 percent of the body’s serotonin supply.” The doctor says to avoid cruciferous vegetables and download a low-FODMAP diet app (FODMAP stands for fermentable oligosaccharides, disaccharides, monosaccharides and polyols). I say I’m probably overemotional due to the gut-brain connection. Later, browsing the medical directory Zocdoc, I learn that he served in Afghanistan as the sole physician for 2,000 soldiers. I pull down my shorts to show the bulging in the iliac region of my lower left abdomen which, I conjecture, is from buildup in the sigmoid colon. He has a signet pinkie ring and gelled hair. I try: Miralax, Restoralax, magnesium citrate (liquid and powder), senna (tea and pills), psyllium (powder and pills), Benefiber, Citrucel, digestive enzymes, Swedish bitters, probiotics, prebiotics, flax seeds (milled and whole), chia seeds, prunes, figs (soaked and dried), Squatty Potty, Dulcolax (pill and suppository), allicin, glycerin, berberine, neem, ginger, fleet enemas, artichoke extract, dandelion, cascara sagrada, pumpkin purée, licorice root, slippery elm, beans, colonic massage, sea moss, apple pectin, aloe vera (juice and gel), kiwi, acupuncture, perianal splinting, beta-glucans, alfalfa, red clover, going off Wellbutrin, going on Adderall, apple cider vinegar, prayer.
Mid-March 2021, at a bowling alley, I watch balls thunder down lanes and wonder if I’ve had a bowel movement since Presidents’ Day. The sling of tissue is supposed to release during defecation. To maintain continence, the puborectalis muscle chokes the anal canal.
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